


If You Again Might Give Me Your Heart

by Teek (Cose8800)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Episode Related, Hurt Magnus Bane, M/M, post 3x17, post 3x18
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-04-17
Packaged: 2020-01-07 08:20:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18406757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cose8800/pseuds/Teek
Summary: A collection of Malec drabbles starting with the post-3x17, post-3x18 based on promo and more.





	1. Your Heart

 

 

Everything hurt, his head, his face, his teeth. Magnus groaned as he tried to wake up. Someone patted his back and helped him get up. Sunlight in the room. He was definitely on Alec’s bed, under thick blanket yet his muscle were numb and cold.

 

“How are you feeling?” The familiar voice asked. Magnus looked at concerned pair of brown eyes. “Magnus?” Large hands cradled his aching face. “Are you going to throw up?”

 

He could only shake his head slowly. Alec sighed in clear relief. “Judging from that, I have thrown up once or twice on you, haven’t I?”

 

“You have, but not on me.” Alec answered and Magnus felt like he was holding back the details.

 

“Was I that bad?”

 

Alec didn’t reply immediately, he gathered Magnus into his embrace first, nose buried in messy black hair above his lover’s ear. “Throwing up was the only moment you stopped apologizing to me. You cried until you passed out.”

 

“Oh.” That was all he could utter because it all came back to him now. The beautiful dinner on balcony that was ruined, Alec’s shoulders he sobbed on when he should have known better the younger man had other place to be as the Head of the Institute. “I’m sorry --”

 

“I’m sorry. I should be, not you.” Alec held him tighter. “I know you didn’t hear me back in the medical wing so I’m going to say it again. I’m sorry for not thinking how hard it is for you to face all this.”

 

“I’d do it again, Alexander.” Magnus interrupted. “I can’t let you lose your brother like that. I know someday I’ll be fine with doing everything manually, it’s just, not right now. Mundane ways of everything will gradually replace my old habits but nothing can replace your siblings. I know that, every day, being with you makes me happy, but I still miss Ragnor.”

 

“Nothing will be the same for you.”

 

“I’ll find happiness in a different point of view, but --” Magnus grip the back of Alec’s shirt tightly even though he was going to say the exact opposite thing of what his body wanted. “I know it’s not fair if I make you stay with me until I’m alright again.” _Please say you want to -- Please -- Don’t go_ \-- lips trembling with unsung prey, Magnus’s eyes wet with other hot tears. “What you saw last night, It’s goddamn ugly and it’ll appear again and again. You shouldn’t -- I --”

 

Why wouldn’t his fingers let go?

 

“I should marry Lydia, I didn’t”

 

Magnus looked up to see the gentleness staring right to him.

 

“I should be emotionless soldier for the Clave, I didn’t.”

 

A kiss pressed on his forehead.

 

“I should prioritize my duties over even my family, I didn’t.”

 

On his lips.

 

“All that I should do, none of it includes a future with you. All that I shouldn’t do but I want to, has lead me to you. So, please, Magnus.”

 

On his fingers.

 

“You can be angry, you can be sad, you can do your best to throw me ugliness, I’d still find you beautiful and too kind to others and too cruel on yourself because you are. Just -- please -- Magnus,”

 

Forehead rested on forehead, Alec hot breath touched his wet cheeks, and Magnus realized the man in front of him was crying as well.

 

“Don’t get used to being tossed aside when things are difficult anymore.”

 

 

_I know you can’t remember how to shine_

_Your heart’s a bird without the wings to fly_

_Is anybody out there?_

_Can you take this weight of mine?_

_Is anybody out there?_

_Can you lead me to the light?_

_You are not alone_

_I’ve been here the whole time singing you a song_

_I will carry you, I will carry you_

 

 


	2. Fighting for Happiness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus asking Jem to erase his memories of Alec

 

 

He listened to the wind blowing after the request rang through from his lips to the figure in front of him.

 

“Why?”

 

Brother Zachariah, Jem, uttered silently.

 

“I can’t do it properly myself.”

 

“Why this time?”

 

He couldn’t bear to see his reflection in his old friend’s acquaintance. Brother Zacharias seemed to know so he continued on his own. “You keep your memories of others, why want to forget him?”

 

“I can’t forget Asmodeus, I need to know about him to avoid him, or deal with him. Same goes for someone who has hurt me like Camille.” Magnus chuckled, finding it quite humorous he talked about those two with calm, like they never had anything over him for centuries. “I can’t forget mom, If I do, I might hurt someone like I did to her. I need to be reminded that I am an abomination.”

 

“And I never wanted to forget people I have loved, those memories help me like myself.” He looked at his hand, at the night view of New York. “But, him, only him.”

 

“You love him.”

 

“And he’s the most beautiful soul I’ve ever met. He’s a real angel, waiting to return to heaven far away from someone like me.”

 

Drops of rain fell down.

 

“Remembering him only shows me how ugly I can be and it has nothing to do with me being part demon. I don’t need that lesson, I already know it so well by my heart.”

 

Lights of New York city shone on the warlock’s face, making the trails of tears shine like rainy sky with stars.

 

“All of that, to disguise your attempt to forget that you deserve happiness.”

 

He finally had to look at Brother Zachariah.

 

“You do, Magnus Bane.”

 

“…Jem.”

 

“I’ll erase your memories of Alexander Lightwood, under one condition.”

 

“Name it.”

 

“Swear upon your magic that you want to forget him to make yourself happy.”

 

“I -- that’s --”

 

“Call for me again when you can do that.”

 

Magnus found it was his time to ask back. “Why”

 

“We always fight for someone’s happiness along with ours, don’t we?”

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Malec angst is so good, and to be honest, I really, really, love hurt!Magnus content but also in my country, lgbtqa+ representations in media suck so hard. I grew up with understandings from media that bi men are gay men who don't want to dress like women, while gay men want to. They repeatedly portray gay men as predators straight men are so afraid of, lesbian couples only have place in sick love drama with no happy ending. One of the best is in a show I've never watched but my friend who watched it solely for the lesbian couple in it said thing about how they're quite good but have problem like the couple has nothing to do with main plot at all.
> 
> Malec doesn't break up because suddenly one of them cheat on the other, or has "weak moment with other character where one suddenly chasing kiss from the other like what?" I love that Malec gets to fight over something plot-related like Soul Sword and now they're with the issue coming from Jace/The Owl plot which comes to this because Asmodeus obviously has plan. I hope it has something to do with Lilith.


	3. Good Night, Asmodeus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A drabble of tired Magnus dealing with Asmodeus

He was mindlessly walking on the water of the Hudson river when Asmodeus appeared in the reflection, replacing Magnus’ own one.

 

“I know you’d show up.”

 

“Oh, and do you know why?” Asmodeus tilted his head with a smirk.

 

“You made him break up with me, didn’t you?’ Magnus asked calmly. He wanted to be angry but no anger came even after he had tried to call for it numerous times, only void. “For my magic.”

 

“Aren’t you smart for some fool who fell in love with mortals?” The taunt delivered in warm voice, yet, Magnus could sense all kind of wrongness. “Then why didn’t you run back to his arms?”

 

“Because in the end, I’m the one who made him do it.” Magnus kicked at the surface of river. “He had been alright with me being magicless until I showed him how I felt. I made him think he’s not enough. Going to him now will only make him believe it even more.”

 

“You’re my son, you’re a real Prince of Edom. No one can ever be enough.”

 

“Only you, right, father dearest?”

 

Magnus crouched down with one hand went under water. When he pulled up, Asmodeus’s hand was in his grip. The son slowly pulled up the denied father out of the reflection. Asmodeus’ clothes almost became one with darkness around them. Cat eyes inspected Magnus’ hand, finger adorned with old rings touched fresh wounds on the back of the hand.

 

“Poor thing, what did you do to your now immortal hand?”

 

“Punched a wall, imaging it was your face.”

 

A rich voice chortled.

 

“Come back home and rule Edom with me.” Asmodeus spoke like a wind that lured mind to sleep.

 

“Lilith is on the loose, that’s why you seem to need me even more.”

 

“And you would want to help your little friends.”

 

“Yes, but also no.” His grip on Asmodeus tightened. “They can deal with Lilith because they have dealt with her before. Isabelle Lightwood even developed instruments to cage her. It’s you I do not desire for anyone in mortal realm to face.”

 

The moment Asmodeus tried to step back, Magnus saw a realization in those golden eyes. The denied father looked up and down for an answer so the warlock waved his other hand, clearing the water beneath them, showing the demon many red drops of water aligning in a shape of circle filled with old rune.

 

“Do you like my trick? I combine my blood with water to control it drop by drop,” Magnus explained.

 

“Magnus.”

 

Magnus enclosed his arms around the taller frame. Chin rested on Asmodeus’s shoulder, Magnus mused as he looked up to the starless sky above New York City.

 

“After sending you back to Edom, I think I’m going to get some sleep as well.”

 

“You’ll burn with me.” Asmodeus screeched.

 

“I’m immortal, just like you, maybe the fire will keep me warm until I wake up. It’s the hurt that keeps us alive, right?”

 

Fire started to climb Asmodeus’ body, engulfing both forms but Magnus was not as in pain as Asmodeus. This flame was for his father. He could only feel pain under crawling his whole body like thousand iron hands trying to pull him down but did not cut through his skins. He could bear it with Asmodeus raging scream as entertainment until the noise was lost to the night.

 

“Good night, Asmodeus.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Just let them both be immortal couple I fricking beg you, shadowhunters writers


End file.
